Paying the Price

Yes I’m stupid.  Yes, I know I’m in the middle of a flare.  But dammit, I wanted to go to the flea market.  I did and walked around for a couple of hours.  The time in the car didn’t help as my tailbone has been killing me for weeks.  But I wanted to go and get out and have some fun.

Well, I could barely move today.  I was so stiff and sore I totally shuffled to the bathroom this morning.  I was in tears until the Tramadol kicked in.  I’ve actually been crying off and on all day long because I hurt so bad.

And my brain?  It’s gone.  It no longer exists.  Thus, this is going to be brief.

Hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight and I’ll feel better tomorrow.  I’d say I couldn’t feel any worse, but I know that’s not true…

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Weather

The weather is kicking my ass.  Literally.  My tail bone hurts so bad.  I’ve never had pain in my tail bone.  It really sucks.  It hurts to sit and it hurts to lay.

I’m dealing with extreme fatigue and loopiness.  Yeah, loopiness.  I’m no better than a village idiot.  I tried working on my Fortran course and well, it was a disaster to say the least.  I changed my code a little bit but then I couldn’t remember how to compile the damn program.  This is something I’ve been doing in one form or another for years.  It’s like all my knowledge just vanished into thin air.  Just writing this is something.  I can’t think of the word.  It makes me feel so pathetic.

Recently I can’t stop crying.  I throw up, I cry.  I try to sleep, I cry.  I sit, I cry.  And the things I used to use to make me feel better (reading, studying, art) are beyond me now.  I look at the sketch pad and my mind goes blank.  I read the same paragraph over and over.  I don’t even want to be around the kitties.  Their paws hurt me.  Gidgette cries outside my door because I latch it instead of leaving it propped open so she can come in at night.  Sometimes I give in because I feel guilty.  Other times I’m too tired and too sore to even get out of bed, so I leave her out there.  What a horrible pet mamma am I?

So what was I saying?  Oh yes.  The weather.  I’d take those horrible 90+ degree days over the rain.  Rain doesn’t seem to bother me unless I’m in a flare.  And I’m in one hell of a flare right now.

I’ve pretty much exhausted my energy with this.  I managed to get toast with a tiny bit of peanut butter down a while ago.  I think I’m going to try to take a walk.  It’s not raining at the moment…

The Right Things

I know what the right things to do are.  Eat right (hard with the gastro troubles I’ve been having), keep a regular sleep schedule, and exercise a bit every day.  I can’t seem to do any of the right things right now.  I basically got a salad on bread (Subway veggie sub) for dinner and I don’t think it’s going to stay down.  Basically the things I can eat reliably without throwing up are jello, pudding and mac ‘n cheese.  Not the healthiest diet.  Note the lack of protein.

The fibro flare up has me tired with fatigue and I’m sure my diet isn’t helping things.  All I want to do is sleep.  Getting out of bed is a challenge.  I’m cold all the time (lack of calories and basic nutrients?) and I just want to stay under the blankets.  I’m back on Tramadol twice a day to try to deal with the pain.  I want to stay in bed under the blankets because I’m so cold, but the weight of the blankets hurts.  A shower is excruciating.

I know I always get through these flares, but I have no idea how I’m going to get through this one.  In a way I can’t wait to get back to Korea (as soon as my visa gets processed, I have a contract) so I can get back into PT.  Right now everything seems bleak.  I don’t see any point in going on.  I’m more depressed in general.

Gabapentin

I called the doctor today. Luckily she didn’t give me a hassle about the Gabapentin.  I know it’ll take a bit for it to kick in. But I know I need to do whatever I can to get this flare under control. I don’t want it to go on and on, especially with me heading back to work in he near future.

All in all, I’m just trying to work through the pain and keep as active as I can. I’m hoping that this will not get much worse. I think if I can keep moving I can keep this under control.

Flare up

I’m in too much pain to sleep. My storm phobia isn’t helping things. I will call the doctor on Monday. I wan to see if she’ll put me on gabapentin to try to get this flare under control.